The pain of not having a clue.

Every proposal I came up with over the last weeks, was denied or frozen.

All of them.

Answers ranged from ‘just too expensive’ to ‘oh I haven’t got that amount of money laying around at this moment in time’ to ‘let me think about it a few weeks longer’ to ‘well, it seems I’m fine after all so thanks for showing me!’ to no answer at all.

Multiple people simply stopped responding in the middle of a mail conversation.

Not just crickets: very dead crickets.

There was this guy from a specific company who was very interested in doing a project together last summer, but leaves my direct messages unanswered.

When I opened an account on LinkedIn after years of deep resistance, at last convinced by my frantic intellect to swallow and go for it, I was kicked out within two hours because of ‘suspicious activity’.

Old clients are all doing fine and aren’t interested in some extra sessions.

And it’s not just a business-phenomenon: a few women I talked to on a dating app treated me with the same cold respect and simply left the conversation without a word, at a moment that didn’t make any sense.

So there you go.

Professional ego? Vaporized.

Masculinity? Crushed.

Marnix in general? Who?

When you take a look at the signs, when you add it all up, it’s not looking very good.

It’s actually very easy to build an enormously sad case for my future.

And all this ‘proof’ is enough to make a grown man crazy and cry, and all this good will, this ambitious reaching out, this trying really hard to make it work; it clearly doesn’t seem to be what I should be doing.

It’s all SO obvious.

But, but, but…

But how do you find out where to go next when it seems more and more important to make ‘the perfect decision’?

What’s the universe telling me (supposed that’s even a thing)?

How do you NOT do something and how do you let go, deliberately?

You have to do SOMETHING, right?!

It’s all majorly confusing, and at the same time… majorly useful.

And exciting.

Because I’ve been here before, and not just once, but closer to the amount of lies in a few years of Trump tweets.

I know that slumps like these always turn out to be future launching platforms for great adventures.

The deep discomfort I’m feeling right now, is pure, rich growing pain.

I know that.

I also know that stubbornness and stupidity are simply not sustainable.

That making plans with a mind that’s gone crazy will not get you anywhere but crazy places.

And trying to force the square peg in the round hole will only be successful by using a sledgehammer (and I feel this is not the time for sledgehammers).

So: is that helpful, all this knowing and feeling?

Well, good question, and I don’t have a clue where to go next, to be honest.

But I DO know where the soft spoken answers will come from.

I don’t know the steps I should take.

But I DO know that my feet will move when they’re supposed to.

It’s SO fucking easy to get lost in this self-constructed mental maze.

And SO fucking human.

This is the game we play over and over again: we do stupid things, learn stuff, and then get blindsided by a slight variation of the same thing, only to wake up again and see what we’ve overlooked.

Rinse and repeat.

I don’t know where to go but I know it’s not my job to know, and it has never been.

That’s pretty damn useful.

Growing pain is tough but beautiful, crushing and extremely helpful.

It removes the blocks of comfortable (enough) living that have jammed the flow of fresh ideas and amazing new stories, and sparks the joy of exploration and wonder.

Pain is where you get to start all over again.

Pain is where the healing begins.

Pain means new.

So if it knocks on your door: let it in.

Helemaal oké.

Helemaal oké.