Do you ever have the idea that there’s something you still don’t see?
You’ve been trying so hard and working your ass off and life DID get better and most of the shit that seemed to permanently reside in your world has disappeared.
Sometimes it still feels like there’s a tiny piece of the puzzle that slipped under the table, unbeknownst to you.
Most of the time you don’t really miss it and the puzzle is so ridiculously big that you never really see the end of it, but it seems complete enough.
Yet sometimes doubt creeps in.
Puzzle piece panic.
What if there’s this almost invisible missing fragment of wisdom that finally seals the deal?
What if I’m still doing something wrong, and how come I don’t feel capable of taking all the hints that life is throwing in my face?
Are there still lessons to learn, things that are blatantly obvious but just not to me?
Is the fact that I’m not constantly happy and content and peaceful (although it’s ten million times better than it used to be) a sign that I need to learn 0.3 or 2 or 5% more to find solid ground once and for all?
Just. This. Last. Hurdle.
Do you ever feel like that?
I have it sometimes.
Actually, I have it right now.
The nagging sense that I’m overlooking something.
A vital thing, of course.
Something that will connect all the dots, ALL of them, that will finally open the gates to… well, I don’t actually know.
Because the thing is: I have been here before, many many times.
I’ve had it before, this unpleasant experience of being incomplete, or at least not being complétely complete.
But what I am ultimately looking for is not a thing, but the dissolvement of the missing itself.
What seems to be missing is not a thing, but what the perceived lack of wholeness tastes like.
Because there’s nothing really missing, except for the clarity that that’s the simple truth.
Sometimes there’s no amount of (moderately) clever, reflective blogs I can write that is able to snap me out of this conundrum.
And sometimes I only need óne to see through it again.
This was the one.
Do you ever have that?