When I closed my eyes for a couple of minutes to do a haphazard meditation (I don’t meditate, normally) while listening to a guy in a YouTube-video, I once again realized how much thinking we have going on.
Like a slideshow from hell.
I saw one image after the other, all trying to look seriously relevant and important.
I saw an image of a woman.
Then a doubt.
A critical remark.
A scene from a holiday.
A picture of my dad.
A well-rehearsed doubt.
A confusing idea.
A suggestion to stop it.
And one more burning, itching opinion.
All within less than a minute.
It looked like as soon I dismissed one, the small self or whatever creates these random mental ideas, tried something new.
‘Shit, this one doesn’t work, let’s radically change the course and throw in a different one!’
I know very well what’s happening and how much of that isn’t me (all of it), yet it was truly enticing.
I had to (almost) forcefully back away from the random thoughts that crossed my mind, and felt the strong pull to take them on with each and every new one.
Now I’m quite aware of all that crap, but most people are tuned in to this stream of nonsense all the time, without even realizing what’s going on.
It looks like life to them.
Very real, confusing, judgmental, all over the place, arousing, enraging, unpeaceful.
And extremely personal.
The reason I have way less problems with these temporary inner projections and all the attempts of the personal mind to capture my attention, is not that I manage my mental stream or try to change my thinking: that’s undoable, you’re always too late, and it’s just way too much work.
The only reason why my intrinsic sanity and innate clarity have returned to a relatively steady conscious level (which I deeply enjoy), is that I’ve come to know my true nature, or even better: the true nature of everything has revealed itself.
This amazing fresh life I now have is the result of coming home, or at least knowing where to find it and not feeling so desperate and lost anymore.
Getting to intimately know and perceive this elusive ‘I Am’ that is the pinnacle of all spiritual and religious philosophies, the knowing that is SO obvious and close that we overlook it all the time and dismiss it without skipping a heartbeat, is really the only way to freedom.
It’s where Consciousness recognizes itself through the small, personal you that was always regarded as the only real deal.
This is the true gateway to all the feelgood-treasures we carry around without being aware of it.
And when you’re lucky enough to directly experience this subtle spiritual connection, after a long and painful life of endless searching or just by coincidence, you get to transcend the suffering that seemed inevitable.
Either gradually, or at once.
The feeling of I Am returns to your experience, your life, and it will expand.
The thoughts that secretly ‘attack’ you all day long (because it’s the only way to get your attention which helps them come alive), lose their power, while their frantic, aggressive pace changes into a steady, unobtrusive, murmuring flow.
You could call this a personal journey, or you could say that it only always happens right now, to nobody.
But who cares if it feels so fucking liberating!
(Photo by @kevinhansenfoto, for Unsplash)