It took me 52 years to get comfortable about my path.
To start to feel whole, powerful, authentic, or, well, myself.
Like most people I’ve lived most of my life in fear of being abandoned, being not good enough, being ridiculed and criticized, left behind, mocked.
So much of my behavior or decisions came from confusion and a deep misunderstanding about what is truly important, so I did what most of us do: I conformed to others, and suppressed, ignored, and downplayed my existence.
And by doing that, I got what I tried to avoid, again and again.
By not being who I am, by not listening to the sweet, gentle voice that guides me, by not following my own natural rules and preferences and flow, I started to feel lost.
I abandoned myself.
There is so much pain in ignoring your true nature.
But the pain is not there to punish you.
It’s just trying to get your attention in a way that suits our biological system.
Pain is the ultimate wake-up call.
And it worked, for me, although I tried to ignore it for many years.
So here I am, experiencing a deeper connection to life every day.
A more obvious knowing.
Feeling more and more grounded in wisdom.
Feeling grateful like never before, living in wonder, being flooded with creativity and insights.
All very simple and obvious, but so, so hard to trust at first.
Knowing that there is guidance within you is one thing: feeling connected to it and listening to it, is where the fun and awe REALLY starts.
This has been dawning on me over the last couple of months, and it has changed the way I am in life.
It means that I hardly ever do stuff anymore that I don’t want to do.
I just feel my decisions, fast and simple, and that makes it quite natural and easy.
I am almost never disappointed, at least not as long (endlessly) and as deep (extremely deep) as I used to, and while there’s still quite some programming around judgments and opinions and specific worldviews and concepts going on, there’s also a growing ease in letting go of this noise.
Most of the time I just pick where I want to go in my mind, and I ignore the stuff that doesn’t fulfill me or make me happy or soulfully soothes me.
The divine is waking up inside the person, and shining through.
Being who you really are is both totally clear ánd mysterious, it’s there all the time (obviously) but we ignore it almost always.
No wonder we live in so much pain.
But once you know where to look, it’s like you are brought home again, healed, refreshed, unburdened, day by day, step by step, breath by breath.
In the dismantling of old ways to live, of old fears and doubts, the real you will emerge.
It’s like the famous words of Michelangelo: ‘I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free’.
It feels like that.
Not always ecstatic or wonderful, but very real and authentic and utterly reliable.
It gently but firmly shows me where to go and what to follow, when to say No and when to say Yes, when to fly and when to stay put.
I am following my heart.
And that is by far the most rewarding, liberating, enlightening process I have ever experienced.
I take that as a sign.
(Photo by @jbcreate_)