Not guilty.

There’s always a reason to feel guilty.

You feel too good.
Or too bad.
Or worse than you should.
Maybe somewhere in between.
Or you don’t feel anything at all.
And you blame yourself for all of it.
I know I did.
One of my biggest guilt trips was around ‘feeling detached’.
I was very detached.
Which meant ‘too cold and unemotional’.
And ‘not involved enough’.
Or ‘totally avoiding and in denial’.
And sometimes ‘just plain fucking arrogant’.
I was like a half human being.
A guilty one.
So I was looking for attachment.
Directness.
Skin in the game.
Needles in the eyeballs.
No more hanging out in the safety zone.
But then I realized ‘I can never be TOO detached’.
I can never be TOO anything (or NOT ENOUGH anything for that matter).
Outside the mind there’s no such thing.
And the mind is full of shit anyway.
Oh, man, the relief.
To open the window and say
‘Bye bye guilt!’
And of course the guilt, this well-trained monkey, tried one more time.
To make me feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
Yeah right.
Bye!
 
 
(Photo by @kmitchhodge, for Unsplash)

Healing.

Healing.

18/09/2020