It’s totally fine to be angry.
It’s human, and part of the menu.
It’s not bad, or something to be ashamed of.
But what if you don’t like it?
What if you consider being angry to be a waste of time, a way to fuck up things that don’t have to be fucked up, and to create situations where you hurt people?
That’s what I have seen, very, very clearly.
Because the essential question is (at least mine): who do you want to be in life?
Where do you want to come from?
What do you want to be your home base?
I have never really thought about those things, until recently.
And I’ve come to this conclusion:
I want to be loving, extremely loving, deeply loving.
Towards myself, and towards anybody else.
Now I don’t have to.
I am allowed to hate people, to feel the heat of rage and the wish to fuck them up, to be jealous, vengeful, critical, aggressive, dominant, whatever.
It’s all there to be experienced.
But I don’t want to.
I just don’t.
Not because it is bad or nonspiritual (if that even exists), not because I am in denial and try to avoid confrontation (I did the therapy), but because life has shown me over and over that this is the way to go, for me.
It’s that simple.
And it’s not easy.
I am still full or reactivity, habits, strong automatic behavior.
And that is EXACTLY why it is so important to follow the path of love, and surrender, and patience.
Because it will make everything way simpler, eventually.
Because it will leave me with one choice, again and again and again:
Which means I don’t have to recuperate, apologize, mend, or get down on my knees and beg (things that are totally fine by itself, I know, I know).
And by doing so, by practicing patience and empathy and more patience and biting my tongue, and waiting for the dark mist of righteousness to fade away, I feel better.
I live better.
(Photo by @heathermedwards, for Unsplash)