And then the storm had died.
When I woke up this Saturday morning around 10, I knew it was gone.
The days of depression that had colored my life a deep and ominous black for a little while, a cruel remembering of past habitual dwellings, were behind me.
I just knew.
Like many other powerful things during this challenging episode.
I knew while it happened that it wouldn’t last very long (I wrote about that).
And I also knew I would be fine, that I WAS fine, no matter what (shared that, too).
And then I knew, when I woke up yesterday, that it was no longer there.
How did I know these things?
How could there be unhinging confusion for a week AND a deep sense of okayness in the background at the same time?
How could I be so sure that it was truly over?
Well, yeah, that is pretty amazing.
It’s one of the gifts we’re born with and then forget again.
Waking up brings it all back.
Things like knowing stuff that is beyond what you can delve out of or somehow formulate with the intellectual mind.
Knowing the difference between what’s true, and what is ‘merely’ a realistic and compelling mental reflection.
Knowing that is not some sort of remembering, not a conceptual story that is part of your worldview and your life lessons.
It’s not that.
It’s a knowing that is felt, not bounced around in your head.
A simple, direct experience.
Like an angel gently touching you with her wing.
‘I just know.’
So I knew.
And it left me tremendously, completely grateful.
Those few days taught and brought me SO much.
I got to painfully remember how I used to feel almost all the time a big part of my life, the powerful pull of the Dark without Hope, which made me deeply appreciate where I am living right now.
I got to feel, really, really feel, the state in which many people spend their days over and over, and what that does to your outlook on life (it’s not good, not, not good…).
It forced me to surrender.
And all the time it fucked me up so vehemently and vividly, I somehow stayed grounded, extremely deep but subtle just the same.
All the time I knew.
I knew it was alright, I was alright.
I knew it was a compelling story playing out -even though I hated it and tried to get away from it.
And the overwhelming confusion of this depressing experience, somehow cleaned me up inside a whole lot more, making me feel lighter, more appreciative, more expanded.
It’s like floating on relief.
Now I have no idea whether this share is in any way helpful for you, but let me tell you this:
If you’re in this place I describe, or in another shithole that feels like total agony or hopelessness and there’s NOTHING you can do about it, there’s always a chance that you experience for yourself what I describe in this post.
Because this knowing I talk about is always there, not just in me.
The boundless force behind this knowing is looking through your eyes right now, being aware of your suffering, all of it, but not messed up by it, or even discouraged by it.
It cares, but it’s not worried a bit.
This Knower, or The Witness, or whatever you want to call that which made your existence and ANY existence possible in the first place, can never be confused or messed up or annihilated by anything, because it is the utter force of life itself.
It IS everything!
So no matter how hard it feels for you right now (and I was kindly reminded of the devastating and destructive nature of these experiences, so I am with you), it is still not really happening to you, to the you that has been here all the time to make you witness the dramatic unfolding.
The real you, your true nature, was there before the storm, and during, and it will also be there when everything has passed again and the silence of a clear blue sky returns.
It will pass.
How can I be so sure?
You are like me, you ARE me.
I just know.
(Photo by @karsten_wuerthl, for Unsplash)