I am not back.
I am not back because I wasn’t gone in the first place.
I just stopped posting and responding on social media because I completely and utterly lost interest.
And it’s not the only thing that I stopped, or that stopped, or changed.
I don’t even know where to begin…
The last few months have been SO deeply transformational and insightful and enlightening, that I haven’t even had the time to reflect on all of it, let alone integrate it (although I journal like a maniac, every single day).
About 3, 4 months ago I started to feel different, unsettled (in the literal sense of the world; not bad, per se), out of place, confused, and weird, and it was followed up by a short bout of tremendous depression, which I wrote about.
And then it just went on from there.
Many, many things stopped being interesting or important or essential.
I started changing in ways I can’t get my head around, and probably never will.
But creating stuff to post or publish didn’t feel natural or compelling or like something I really wanted to do, and instead, I felt this burning resentment towards the insatiable algorithms that superficially crank up the urgency to be out there, to be visible, to keep creating, more, more, more.
I just couldn’t be bothered.
And besides that: I also felt quite frustrated about giving away free high-quality shit for so long, without really benefitting from it (at least that’s how it felt).
So the changes started.
Massively, effortlessly, spontaneously.
One by one by one.
And I stopped.
I stopped doing free sessions.
I stopped working just for money, and I stopped bargaining.
I stopped engaging in low-quality events that used to lure me in because of ‘well you never know’ and ‘something is always better than nothing’.
I stopped diversifying or over-complicating my coaching into countless layers and ideas and philosophies and concepts and steps and schools of thought, and simply stripped everything back to the only thing I know to be truly true and unchanging and undeniable and powerful beyond anything else.
I stopped doing stuff that I didn’t want to do in the first place, but somehow gave me the impression of ‘doing good’ or being a Divine Savior or ‘Sharing some of my fortune with the unfortunate ones’ or one of the many, many other reasons that mostly came from guilt or insecurity or lack, instead of being propelled and fueled by true passion and authentic longing or a deep calling.
I stopped doing ANYTHING to ‘get’ clients or to get attention or to keep visible on social platforms or be ‘important’, because most of that is instigated by subtle FOMO anyway and fuck FOMO from every side imaginable.
I stopped being afraid of not having a thousand clients lined up.
I stopped being a 3P practitioner.
I stopped pitching.
I stopped that last shitty bit of pleasing I had still left in me.
I stopped eating sugar and refined carbs, started fasting for longer periods of time, and introduced a high-fat and low-carb way of eating.
I stopped sleeping in and started to wake up earlier than ever, but that was not really a choice: my new lifestyle simply ‘forced’ it on me.
I stopped pretending to be beyond meditation and visualization and started doing things like that because I felt like it in the moment, and no longer connected it to who I am or who I am not.
I stopped working out like I didn’t really mean it, and implemented a routine where I challenge my whole body again and feel honest, raw pain the following day(s), which I fucking love.
I stopped procrastinating ANYTHING by getting shit done the moment it occurred to me, even if it’s stupid things like taking the dishes out of the dishwasher or vacuuming the floor when I notice dust or cat hairs.
Oh, and I threw away half of my wardrobe because it was mostly old baggy T-shirts and stained sweaters and hoodies and shoes and coats that I somehow unconsciously regarded to be youthful and rebellious and hip, when they were actually just disheveled sad items that made me look like all the other 40+ dads out there that somehow give up taking care of themselves and their presence (yeah, this was one of the more spectacular and surprising insights I had, and something I didn’t see coming, at all).
I stopped spending time on things that are not honoring the Me, the vessel, the Marnix, the personality, the whole package, whatever it really is.
I stopped trying and started doing and being.
And all of this, all of it, just happened, naturally.
One thing after the other, divinely orchestrated.
Bam, bam, BAM.
Now, however ambitious all of this might sound, it is honestly all about simplicity.
And living a truly intuitive, guided life.
Whatever I am doing right now, and whatever I stopped doing, it was all just the most ‘spiritually logical’ or honest thing to do.
And if there IS a bigger plan, I have no clue what it is (although I have some really cool intentions and dreams and goals that make me glow and chuckle).
It was, and is, all so simple, and inspiring.
Stuff just fell away, no big deal, but also truly important and amazing.
Because every day when I wake up, around 7 am or even earlier, I am automatically and magically and instantly FILLED with profound, warm anticipation that flows through my body and smiles my whole face.
Whatever is happening is very radical, AND nothing has ever made so much sense in my entire life.
It is the most profound process that has ever happened to and through me, and it feels like the general happiness and joyfulness and gratitude I already felt for quite some time, are finally getting the human vessel they deserve.
So I am not back.
I am fucking NEW.
(Photo by @sharonp, for Unsplash)