This first sentence is the result of many first sentences that didn’t make it.
In the last two hours or so while I was walking through Amsterdam, I have been pondering many topics and ideas, and most of them just came up and looked amazing and then silently left the stage again.
Something sticks or it doesn’t (shitty thoughts do, but you know that already).
You feel inspired or you don’t.
This or that.
One of the reasons I haven’t posted anything for a couple of months is that I just didn’t feel like it (life can be SO simple).
Another one has been the notion that blogs are very absolute, and life just isn’t.
Sort of a reality mismatch.
Even writing about the fleetingness of everything or change being the essential nature of life, is somehow absolute.
Whatever you write, it solidifies the moment you put it on paper.
There it is: a flock of words, huddled together, not going anywhere.
Words that desperately try to convey something that is absolutely unconveyable.
And there’s more.
With every amazing insight I had (and I had loads of them lately) there is like this incubation period where the initial feeling of total clarity and soaring wisdom has to settle down before it makes sense or before I am able to articulate it, and by the time it does, it has kinda lost its initial glory.
Or it is just too personal, too individually tailored.
So why bother?
And there was still more.
Almost everything that seemed true and brilliant and timeless at the moment, was almost immediately undone by an appearance of the opposite.
There’s this, yes, cool, hooray, but here is always also that.
There was ALWAYS also that.
And who knows which one is the real one, the right one, the ultimate one?
Not me, that’s for sure (you might just as well call me ‘Mister All Over The Place’).
This period has been pretty challenging but mostly incredibly fascinating, and it is still unfolding perfectly chaotical.
Not writing didn’t hurt.
I didn’t miss it.
It didn’t miss me.
It was like a dear friend you don’t see for a long time without any effect on the depth of the relationship.
Absolutely solid stuff.
When I was walking home half an hour ago, the sun was shining as I passed a community garden in its waning summer glory.
‘Sit in the sun, enjoy life!!’ was the assignment my mind shoved into the moment.
Spiritual FOMO disguised as a self-help mantra.
‘Do this, do that, what the fuck are you waiting for, TICK TOCK!!’
‘Conquer THE NOW!!’
The burning echo of the unlived life.
But not this time.
So I left it at the side of the garden.
The thing is: we don’t have to go anywhere.
We can, and maybe we should, at least sometimes, but we don’t HAVE to.
Life will move us anyway.
Whether you sit on your couch motionless for five hours or hike through the rainforest for a year; you experience things.
Life is that.
And sometimes it’s a shitty last sentence.
(Photo by @wonderlane, for Unsplash)