The awkward specialist.

You might think that I know what I am talking about.

With all these ‘spiritual’ blogs I post, written with so much certainty, it’s easy to lend me a bit of credibility or authority or even some mastery.

Hell, sometimes I even believe that myself!

But it’s not that simple.

It’s not a linear thing, let alone an exponentially exciting experience without any holes or hurdles.

It’s not about knowing better and better and better, always stacking one piece of wisdom onto the next.

I forget.

I forget what seemed so obvious yesterday, and now feel lost in the unknown again.

I forget, and even if I don’t forget, I can still lose the connection that felt so direct and true and wise.

Because every time I write something, I am in a slightly or sometimes vastly different frame of mind, a different level of consciousness (for a lack of better words).

I am more or less lost in the personal mind, and moved by moods.

And what can seem totally clear and solid one day, can look utterly unattainable or inexplicable or even ridiculous the next.

I can be touched and deliciously overwhelmed by a deep insight in the morning, and feel crudely lost that same afternoon.

But in the end, I simply share what I believe to be true in the moment.

Which is not very consistent, or congruent.

It IS true, however, that some fundamental realizations have landed in a very deep way, but many times my utter humanness trumps the wisdom that is so easily available when the mind is really smooth and docile.

A rare occasion.

I can reread my own blogs and cringingly go ‘Oh man, why the fuck did I write this, how presumptuous and arrogant!’

I can think of myself as being overly naïve, utterly simplistic, deeply unrealistic, or even completely in denial.

Experiences shift, our direct sense of reality and the world and our lives shifts, and with every one of these changes, we can lose some clarity, certainty, and confidence.

At least temporarily.

And it’s confusing and inconsistent, and it can shake our core.

But it’s also not a big deal.

As human beings, confusion is one of the biggest reasons to look for control.

It’s also one of the reasons I write.

Writing calms me down.

It gives me what I need in the moment.


And that happens to be the one that really counts.



(Photo by @sanderweeteling, for Unsplash)

More real.

More real.

Absolutely life.

Absolutely life.