Here’s a confession.

I wish I was an NLP practitioner.

Sometimes I wish I was a poor Buddhist monk.

I wish I was fully engaged in non-duality, organizing meetings where I could tell all the ignorant nobodies that they don’t exist.

I wish I was absolutely clear about the Law of Attraction, so I could attract unlimited amounts of clients.

I wish I was madly in love with plant medicine, Tibetan bowls, or shamanic rituals.

Or ecstatic dance.

Or yoga.

I wish I was a full-on 3P teacher, only talking about mind, consciousness, and thought.

I wish a was a Primal Warrior, camping naked in the woods, doing divine masculine stuff.

I wish I was a Wim Hof practitioner, feeling like ice baths and breathing are the solutions to literally everything.

I wish I was 100% into the Work of Byron Katie.

Or a happy student of the Sedona Method.

I wish I could be totally lost in the polyvagal theory.

Maybe minimalism.

I wish angels were my thing, so I’d never feel alone.

I wish I would be happy exploring and expanding my chakras, and do nothing but that.

And sometimes I wish I’d be totally into science and reason.

I wish I was somehow involved with something that made life simpler, something I could hang on to, something that would provide all the answers to every question.

I wish there was something I could totally embrace, a club, or a label, using the rest of my days to try and own it fully.

Even if it’s fly fishing, so I could be a fly fisherman amongst the other fly fishers.

Or something like a passionate football fan.

Or a long-bearded, tattooed, craft beer aficionado.

Or just a person deeply in love with ultra marathons, board games, or exotic poodles.

I wish I could fold this human existence around a specific way of thinking and behaving, making that the most important phenomenon, the Number One Thing, the seed of comfort and hope and power and clarity.

I wish I could believe a single point of view, have a single hobby or passion, and believe in it SO deeply that it would make sense to believe nothing else.

The idea of not having to figure it out anymore because you’re now part of something that will take care of you, must be amazing.

It must be so incredibly rewarding and soothing to be part of a group, whatever group, and start wearing it like a uniform, or a warm and comfortable coat, and spend your time with others doing and believing the same.

God, that would be so amazing.

So simple.

But I am and have and believe none of those things.

None.

It’s not because I don’t want to (because I really do, believe me).

It also has got nothing to do with being beyond that or feeling superior.

All my life I’ve been looking for something to immerse myself in and fuck around with and feel endlessly connected to, but it has never happened.

All the things I’ve tried eventually lost their attraction.

All the groups that looked promising couldn’t win me over.

There’s nothing I totally identify with.

Not even coaching, writing, or fatherhood.

In a way, I’m deeply lost.

A drifter.

Fortunately, a pretty grounded one.

(Photo by @joshuaearle, for Unsplash)

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