Years.

It took me YEARS to get over it.

To stop listening to and rewarding the voice that said

‘Nah, too easy, too naïve, now go and be real and realistic again!’

Because whenever I felt relieved

whenever I was happy for no reason

whenever I felt really light-hearted

just for being alive

the voice was there.

It told me about all the people who were suffering, while I was just stupidly feeling good.

It told me about my lack of empathy and my responsibility to take life seriously.

It told me that I should feel bad for all the bad things that happen everywhere.

So I did.

I became really good at it.

I scolded people who were happy for no reason.

I criticized and debated the ones who didn’t take their responsibility as concerned world citizens seriously.

Light-hearted people were clearly simple morons.

And I kept at it until I couldn’t remember what joy felt like.

Joy was bad.

The easy way out.

The path of least resistance.

And when the fear of feeling good was the only thing that was left in my life, I had no place to go.

I was smaller than I’d ever been.

Unhappier than I’d ever been.

Fuck, that was bad.

But that’s also years ago.

And to all the serious people who are drowning in concern, who are burning with outrage all the time, who feel that being a world citizen is about fighting and judging and blaming and criticizing, I say

I hear you.

I do.

But give me naïve and too easy anytime.

(Photo by belart84, for Unsplash)

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