I had one million plans.

Most of them didn’t work out.

Some of them did, sort of.

And there were a few who were almost exactly the way I wanted it.

I remembered those.

The rest: not so much.

Then things started to change.

Pain, addiction, running around in confused circles.

And when all of that became too much, the spiritual journey started.

For the person.

The person that wanted to get rid of the person, but had no idea what that would actually mean.

Because: how do you deal with the vacuum between thinking it’s all up to you, and knowing nothing really is?

You don’t.

Nobody fucking teaches you.

And so life goes on, and the thinking continues, just like the trying to figure it out anyway.

You thought you knew how the game of life worked, and now you know you didn’t.

Is that what you really expected it to be?

This is my experience, now.

The Tools That Make The Future have been taken away from me.

Too many times I was shown that I’m not really doing anything, that the personal results of all this perceived working my ass off are actually quite minimal, so it gradually stopped making sense.

And although it still seems like I DO shit all the time, the conviction that it’s actually true has almost gone.

That is a weird state to be in.

Not my choice.

Not my fault.

Nothing to do about it.

It took away the hope, but it didn’t make me hopeless.

Just… practical.

Is that the word?

More present.

The thing I always wanted and longed for.

But it takes time to get used to (at least in the story), and every time it seemed you did, something new will happen.

Eckhart Tolle never told us this awakening thing would be really confusing.

This ‘living in the now’ that sells so well.

He forget to mention that we’d be left with nothing, and more of that all the time.

That we’d lose a lot of crappy, but also many precious things.

That we’d have more innate wisdom, but less belief in personal ownership.

And that’s both exciting, and terrifying.

The human being we thought we were, with all the options and the free will and the power and the Getting Things Done mentality, tumbles from its pedestal.

Now there’s the realization that life will go on without you having to lift a finger, and your finger will still go up all the time.

What to do with that?

Can you own not-owning?

Now there’s a sense of how all the resistance, the dilemmas, the triumphant moments, and the doubts that were once happening and caused so much suffering, were created for you, as you.

But not by the person.

Not even to a person.

What do you do with THAT?

What do you do when you know you don’t really do anything?

Well, mostly the same.

The human thing.

Chasing your tail.

Or denying you even have a tail.

Or trying to BE the tail.

Whatever happens in the story.

Life is very much going on, still, and technically the same, but experientially quite different.

Life still happens for the body-mind and for the apparent person, hope will flare up, plans will arise, measures will be taken, steps will be stepped, and failures will be recorded.

It will feel amazing.

And it will feel somewhat helpless and clueless.

Good feelings will be there, arrogance will arise, humility can come up, and the game just plays itself, including the now confused, seeking you.

And sometimes there’s the urge and inspiration, the deep excitement, that results in blog after blog after blog.

Of course, I didn’t write this one.

But I don’t mind claiming it anyway.

How about that?

This must be love.

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(Photo by @charlottelharrison, for Unsplash)